And sometimes we find ourselves, when on the way to Chipotle, watching a snapchat that is beyond perfect (and why can’t I replay it over and over again?).
The last year has been…hectic. I’ve changed schools, changed majors, changed myself, but never changed my passion.
And I’ve been neglectful.
So, explanations! Or, more accurately: the truth.
I spent my first year of college at the beautiful Baylor University, the very heart of Waco, Texas. I meet amazing people that I wish I had maintained contact, had so very many opportunities, and learned a lot about myself.
But, I also learned that I wasn’t ready for that environment. I spent too much time alone, holed up in my room, and was more than a little awkward. I was from a graduating class of 300, with people I had known since I was five. I swore I wouldn’t let that define me, but it already had.
After my first year I sought help, I needed help understanding why I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. Why wasn’t it clicking? After a short period, it was revealed as Social Anxiety. I was literally TOO AWKWARD to be normal. So, I looked at my options. Return to.a place I wasn’t comfortable and wasn’t ready to be comfortable, or take the steps necessary.
So, I focused on fixing myself. I transferred out to a much, much smaller school. I moved off campus, giving myself the space I needed, and I reworked myself from the ground up.
I went from a wry smile to an uproarious laugh. I went from “I’m sorry’s” to “at least buy me a drink first.” I was learning how to be happy, how not to take life so seriously, and how to leave every morning not caring how other people viewed me. I spent too long focusing on exactly how others perceived me, and not how I perceived myself.
A year later, I am comfortable with who I am. It doesn’t matter who I should be, who they want me to be, or even who I want me to be. When I come home, and the noise fades, and all I have are my thoughts, I know I am exactly who I ought to be.
So here I am, a student of philosophical whims - ifs, ands, maybes - and of communication. Whose passion still lies in the hearts of the persecuted.
I am Sierra, and I have risen from the ashes.
-All of that thoughtful writing aside, here’s a huge shout out to KB. I miss you! You had such a huge impact on me, and I still carry your words with me every day! I hope you’re doing well, wherever you may be!
You are the work of God, and His work is wholly lovable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.
—A Course in Miracles (via lazyyogi)
And one good share with friends is worth at least 100 likes, right?
You know that saying? There’s a fine line between right and wrong?
In this world, there are a lot of lines, and the majority of them seem to be “fine.”
One line, let’s imagine it as more of a rubber band, is currently tearing my heart in two. It’s stretching thinner and thinner, and I’m scared it may snap. I should have control of it, but I’m losing any hold I thought I had over it.
This line, sits between every one of my ambitions and the need to abandon them and do what I want. For we are young, heartache to heartache we stand. No promises. No demands.
But really, those two things differ and that’s where the strain lies. My ambitions should embody what I want; but instead my ambitions consist of a degree, a stable career, a family, and a life I can look back on and know that I did well and I took care of myself and the people who stood alongside me.
The part of me that screams to abandon ship wants to forget the degree and what the world expects of me. I want to spend my nights walking around deserts and finding the same constellation while standing on different continents. I want to drive through mountains, and forests, and I want to bike, and hike, and kayak. I want to feel the sand between my toes, every morning.
I’m restless. A trait that has always plagued me. I simply cannot wait for the rest of my life to begin, I’m just having a hard time figuring out what it will consist of.
I’ve always covered up this restlessness by doing odd little tasks. Dying my hair. Rearranging furniture. Shopping- to constantly change up who I could be.
But all I want are hiking boots, a large backpack and the means to travel.
Or at least the looks to spend my nights dancing around in strange cities with people I’ve never met and views I’ll never forget.
I always thought school was where I needed to be, but maybe what I need is to spend a little time getting to know the world better; before I lose my chance.
I realize these last two posts haven’t exactly been about religion, and while I promised this blog would maintain that face…my heart has been a little itchy lately and I needed to share.
Give me a couple of days and I promise I’ll get some juicy pope gossip up. Or an extremely insightful look into a mesmerizing religion.
Anonymous asked: I may be wrong but it sounds like you want know and feel God's love, but you don't know how or what to do? Idk, maybe I'm wording it badly but i feel like there's a part of you just ready to burst out of your writings and express faith in God. Or am I just am over assuming here...
I can’t say I agree with you, not just yet. Maybe at the beginning of this school year I could have agreed, but that was also the first time I truly analyzed what the presence of faith can do to a person. God isn’t my savior, not quite. There is still a lot out there to be explored and I’m not ready to sit down and accept a faith. I am hoping that when I do find my path, it will be an overwhelming experience that will reward me for my perseverance, but until then, I will continue looking. Thank you though for your observation. I appreciate the feedback.
The second pope-post never happened, and I apologize.
Life threw me a couple of curve balls and I have a real, every-man for himself kind of job now. Not that every job isn’t a me, myself, and I - kind of a job, it’s just this one just makes me realize that I am the only person I can count on if I want to make any money.
And as much as I hate for it to be true, I need money. For life. And love. and concert tickets.
It’s April, in case you hadn’t glanced at a calender in the past eight days. And with the promise of May flowers, the month also brings about registration time, when I have to make even more decisions that impact the rest of my life, just in the form of which class I’ll sit through and which teacher I’ll stare at for another four months.
It’s this mindset, however, that I have always fought to discourage within myself, and it is this mindset that has finally lost it’s place.
I am currently a double major in Journalism and Religion. Since August, I have been dwelling on the question of whether or not this is what I really wanted.
To be honest with you all, I’m still not sure. My journalism classes have proven to be more of a chore than of an adventure, and I do live for the adventure. I want to wake up excited for class, not spend the morning arguing with myself the pros and cons of not getting up.
Religion, is still something I’m passionate about, and is still something I want to study, however I did not take a religion class this semester, and that was to focus on journalism, which backfired in the end; doesn’t it always?
With all of that still floating in your mind, I think I’ve found my solution. Philosophy.
I love that this world has so many different things to offer to one person, and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything from sitting in my chore-like classes.
So, I’ve decided to take a year off and backpack across Europe and South America.
No, I’m just kidding. I left the word philosophy hanging up there for a reason after all.
I’m going to major in philosophy. I think it will give my brain the proper stimulation and outlet it needs to find a world within the classroom that is unexplored and still full of adventure.
I loved the philosophy class I took last semester and I don’t know why I hesitated so long to follow up on this.
I’m still going to minor in journalism, and religion as well. I think a new outlook on life, and pondering the questions of life that plague people of the world will help me find the insight i so desperately yearn for.
I just want to travel.
I’ve realized lately that my love for reading always spurred on that want. I found myself in a different world every few days through books, and I miss that. I haven’t been able to sit down and really read in a long time, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hear the calling of each new, exciting world when I walk through a bookstore.
My priorities are becoming clearer. I’m probably going to become respectively wise soon. That is what happens with old age isn’t it?
Thank you for reading, and thank you for making it to the end of my ramblings,